I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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