Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
