So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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