So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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