I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
