Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
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The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
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im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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