They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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