Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
