I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
