I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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