I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
