my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
