When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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