I'm gonna have a badass scar
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
