He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
