youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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