I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
