she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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