I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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