How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
