So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
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I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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