I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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