It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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