I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
