You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
two words: eviction party
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
