I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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