if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
