I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
what day is it and did you see me today?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
