I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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