I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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