"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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