I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
