I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
