I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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