Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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