girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
