Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
