I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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