Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
