Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
