My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
