I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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