Already got asked if we're dating
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
