It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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