He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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