Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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