omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think your dad took our porno
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
