I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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