he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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