he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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