Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
