Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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