I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
