Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
