I puked a lego.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
