I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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