I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
