What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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